How to be a cowboy!
By Cowboy McCowboyson
Have you ever wanted to be a cowboy? Well, it’s your lucky day! Because I am a genuine cowboy, and I’m here to tell YOU how to be a cowboy! Lucky you!
(Note- this is not an instructional page on how to be a cowgirl. I do not intend to be sexist, but this for men only, hence why it is cow-BOY and not cow-GIRL. Thank you for understanding.)
Well, without further ado, here are the top seven ways that YOU can turn yourself into a cowboy!
Number one: Get a swanky accent!
Nothing is sexier on a cowboy than his accent. Whether it’s a smooth Texan accent or a deep Louisiana accent, get rid of that stupid sounding city boy accent! Just try to talk in the accent that you want as much as possible, and boom! You’re a genuine cowboy. But if that’s too much work for you, then all you have to do is approach a Texan man and take his voice. You can learn how to do this at any magic cowboy class near you, but it’s very advanced!
Number two: Get yourself a pair of boots!
A cowboy and his boots are like a tiny boy and his mother: SEXY! Boots can range from square toe to J toe, and the best way to find out which one works best for you is to just go to your nearest boot store, and just try a bunch of ‘em on! And, once you DO find the perfect match, you gotta buy ‘em! But, if you don’t have enough money to get those sexy thangs, then don’t worry! All you have to do is get a mask, break into the store late at night, and just take ‘em! That way you don’t have to pay a cent for boots, and you’ll also be an outlaw! That’s very cowboy-like! Good for you!
Number three: Get a legit cowboy hat!
A cowboy’s hat is his trademark. It’s what makes him special, like Mason Ramsey (the Walmart Yodeling Kid)! All you have to do is go to your nearest cowboy hat store, find the hat that fits, and buy it! BUT, if you REALLY want to get that “original” vibe coming from you, all you have to do is this overly specific set of instructions. Here you go: yodel at an approximate G6 pitch, then Old Man Wind will send you on a quest to find the golden cowboy hat, which, by the way, is defended by an immortal bear! My friend Hank went on this said quest, and I haven’t heard from him since! But it’s alright, because I didn’t like him anyways!
Number four: Get a horse!
Horses aren’t as fast as a Lamborghini by any means, but you can’t afford a Lamborghini, so buy a horse. Go to your nearest ranch, look at which horse looks the sexiest, and buy that darn horse! However, if you can’t afford that super, speedy quick animal, then that sucks for you!
Number five: Come up with original insults!
One part of being a cowboy is that you got to be able to defend yourself, both with fists and with words. If someone insults you, instead of walking away from it all, get right in their face and unleash your inner fury! Some examples include: “horse licker”, “sack of crap”, “city boy”, and “shut your face or I’ll shut it for you”.
Number six: Become very patriotic! (Like OVERLY patriotic)
If you are a cowboy, then there is no doubt that you live in the beautiful United States of America! And if you live here, you might as well become overly excited and loving about it! Some examples of things you could do to become more patriotic would be to buy illegal fireworks, over-celebrating the Fourth of July, have a of clothes with the American flag pictured on them, and own approximately 47 American flags!
Number seven: Learn to play the guitar! (Optional)
Now, I personally don’t know how to play the guitar. If you decide NOT to learn to play the guitar, then make sure that you make friends with someone who DOES know how to play the guitar. Because then when you and your buddies have robbed a train and are sitting by a campfire, you can tell that friend of yours, “Play us a song, Ted.”(Make sure his name is Ted, too.) If you DO decide to learn how to play the guitar, then good for you! I will not help you because I do not know how.
Well, here we are! The end! If you follow my advice stated above, then you will become a genuine cowboy! I’ll see you on the plains my brother.